and then she said...

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I think I might be in love...

Ok - so it isn't with a man..or woman for that matter. It is with this newish radio station in my area. They play mostly late 70's, 80's and early 90's. Man it is like being young again. I mean REO, Sheriff, Journey, I know, I am old - but I am loving it. It makes my work day, oh so much better and I sing and smile, people go by and think I am crazy and leave me alone, so another bonus. Although, I find myself getting a lot of the songs stuck in my head and singing everywhere. And I do not sing so well, but my 5 year old doesn't seem to care to much. A couple of weeks ago I had Abracadabra stuck in my head for days. I just anticipate the next song. I want all of these songs on my MP3. It would then make the cleaning easier. Ok, so maybe love is too strong of a world...Maybe lust!!

On a totally different subject, I went on a field trip yesterday with my son and his class to the planetarium. He thought it was the coolest thing and all I could think was, didn't this place use to be bigger? Well, I think the last time I went I was not much older then what my son is now. I am sure he thought it was huge just like I did back then. The sad part is that I couldn't hear some of the presentation because two adult were snickering and laughing the whole time. And they say my son is immature for 5? Anyhow - the little one had a blast and I brought him back to work with me - which he loves and my co-workers love. He may be immature, but he is darn cute.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

At the end of my rope ... With some decisions to make

So the parent-teacher conference was all I thought it would be. Jacob, believe it or not, is immature. A boy who is 5 years old is immature. Can't imagine that - since my ex-husband was still pretty immature at 33, and I sure now that he is 37, he is still immature. Anyhow, they would like him to repeat Kindergarten. Which I am not opposed to, it is just that when I hear that a 5 year old is immature it is like yeah, ok, that is a given, right? So now I have to decide if I feel he is too immature both behaviorally and academically to repeat Kindergarten. I just need to think about it for a few more months.

Now I get to go deal with the bus driver because he will not listen and talks to loud - I have no idea where he gets the loudness from - no idea at all. But this bus driver seems like she would rather peel gum from a subway wall rather then drive kids all day long. Seems to me she picked the wrong profession. So my day is oh so wonderful. I swear I don't think my kid is perfect, I guess I just don't think he is horrible.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Just another day in paradise

I have to find a new doctors office. I have been struggling with my weight, oh, forever. Last year in August one doctor put me on Synthyroid to regulate my thyroid. Then I went to the doctor for headaches a couple of weeks ago and he noticed from the test taken in July 2005 that I did not need the thyroid medicine, but that maybe my insulin levels were off. He didn't want to discuss it then because I had my child with me and asked me to come back. Since I have been exercising and eating well and still not losing weight, this was like a beacon of hope for me. So I went back last night to talk with him and while I think I probably do produce too much insulin and need help with that he was trying to sell me something. Gawd, it was so fustrating. So he first told me how healthy I was because my blood sugar is great and my cholesterol is great and blah blah blah. Then he said 'you are producing too much insulin so I am going to give you this pill and you will take it with two meal and then your third meal with be a protein shake'. I was like ok, I can do that, perfect. Then he tried to sell me the protein shakes through the doctors office which are like a least twice the price as at a whole food store or GNC. I told him I didn't have any money with me and he gave me a sample. What the hell? Now you get sold stuff at the doctors office. Oh and did I mention, he has no idea how I am getting the headaches even after a cat scan. So anyhow - I live in a small town there is not a lot of choices for doctors, but I think I need to just find one by my work - then I maybe I can find one that actual cares about treating me instead of selling me something. Plus, would catch something on test results, lets say, a little less then 8 months after tests are done!!

Ok, so my next new adventure. Hopefully this prescription will not cost me a small fortune without going through my insurance. I will try this just because at this point I will try anything. However, I will go to a whole foods store to buy the protein shake.

On to bigger and better things, my son's parent-teacher conference is tonight. I am not looking forward to it, because while he is pretty much were he needs to be academically, his behavior is not what the teacher would like it to be. Also, he goes to the "counselor" every Wednesday for a little bit, he had a hard time after my sisters baby died, so he starting going and now asks to go, and she will also be involved in the conference. Ok, I hope this isn't a "this is how you are screwing your child up" conference. I do try hard , I don't mean to screw him up, honestly. OK, so he is a little active, he interrupts, I got it, have I mentioned he is 5. So anyhow - I understand that he is being disruptive, do you understand that he is 5? Do you actually want to work with children? On top of all this I argue with them over the schedule constantly. He goes 1/2 day on Monday, all day Wednesday and all day Friday. I don't think this is a proper schedule for children. There is no consistency. Anyhow - He is on the whole punishment/reward thing for school. He seems to be doing well - guess we will find out tonight!!

I will try to keep this updated with progress - hopefully it will keep me on track!

Monday, March 13, 2006

Saying Goodbye

My aunt passed away early on Saturday morning. Part of me is so terrible sad and another part relieved she is out of pain. Yesterday we went and spent some time with my uncle to make sure him and his boys were ok. One of the donations of the benefit was a free family photo. My uncle picked up the picture and showed it to us. You could see the pain, you could see it in her eyes and in the way she was sitting. I don't think any of us had any idea just how much pain she was in. My uncle said something very moving to my sister "she has been my best friend for 26 years, what am I going to do now..." It would be so hard to lose someone that has been your one and only for so long.

I think of the kids and how they will never be able to hug their mom again, talk with her about life and can not imagine not being able to see my mom and talk to her. I have already had more years with my mother then they had. The four boys are becoming closer. They are staying together in my uncles home, being a family, eating together, talking together, crying together.

In less then a week we will be having the benefit for her. It will be harder without her here. She asked that the benefit be a celebration of her life. She asked to be cremated and did not want a funeral. My uncle will have a memorial for her in April, she asked that he wait a month. I am unsure why, but like my uncle said this is the last thing that he can do for her and that is what he is going to do.

Death is such a weird thing. It doesn't really feel any different, but when I think that I will never see her again, I will never laugh with her again, it makes me oh so sad.

Let's change the subject, because I have seen the difficulties of not being able to conceive and losing children through miscarriages I wanted to link a site because everyone deserves a prayer. Please put these people in your thoughts and wish them well. I hope that everything turns out well for them.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Nearing the end

My aunt decided last night that she did not want the ventilator. Well, she decided with the help of my uncle and cousins - they decided as a family that they needed to let go. The hospital is trying to stabilize her so that she can go home to die. They are hoping to send her home today with hospice. Part of me is glad that her pain will stop, but another part of me is having such a hard time knowing that she will never grow old with her husband. My heart hurts for my uncle, they have been each others everything since they were teenagers. Now he will have to complete his life without her.

Although, my one aunt is still driving me nuts with this benefit, it makes me cherish family more. You never know how much time you will have with them. I will miss my aunt Rhonda so much. However, I am thankful that she will finally be out of pain. Living the life she has had to live for the last few years have had to be unbearable. I am glad that she was able to see what she means to everyone and how much she is loved.

I am worried for my son right now. He talks a lot about death. He keeps saying to me "We are both too young to die, right mom?", and then follows up with, "we will be together always, right mom?". It breaks my heart, I say yes to both questions - even though I probably should not. I can not even start to explain why certain people do die so young, because I have no idea.

On a positive note, he stated to play biddy basketball. It is quite entertaining. If I can figure out how to post pictures I will post some of him playing.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

You can't pick your family...

Man oh man, I am going insane. A nervous breakdown to follow...

While today should be all happy happy joy joy, because it is my birthday!! My family is driving me crazy. My aunt is getting worse and today is having a hard time breathing, she would like to be put on a ventilator. She has voiced over and over, do WHATEVER it takes to keep her alive. So now the whole family is gathering at the hospital to make the made the decision, leave her alone. They are driving me crazy - did I mention that? Last week my aunt had to have her leg amputated. It turned black and they determined that it was probably gangrene, so they felt the best option was to take her leg. Now the cancer that has developed back in her lungs is making it so she can not breathe. Her 41st birthday was on March 8th, I guess she had a great time with cake and ice cream and a lot of family. I am glad her last one was great. I know that was weighing very heavily on the minds of her, her husband and children. They all went into the day knowing this was the very last birthday they would celebrate with her.

The benefit, while going well, is also driving me crazy because my one aunt thinks she should make all the decisions and could possibly be costing the family money instead of gathering money for them. I am trying very hard to do whatever I can, but slapping about half my family right now sounds soo much better.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

A long road, cut short

I apparently am not good at this writing thing. Here I am though, trying once again. I have been very busy lately with a benefit we are doing for my aunt. She is very ill with cancer and does not have long to live. Her husband, my uncle, had to take leave from his job last June to take care of her, take her to her doctors appointments, administer her drug intake. It is horrible. So they are having a hard time, ya know, paying anything without an income. So we are throwing a dinner/dance benefit for them to help out. People have been very generous and everything is looking good. We have a lot of items for our silent auction and for the mini raffle we are having. If you want to read more go here, click on "Friends came to aid of...".

It is so hard to know that when you leave her it might be the "last" time. We almost lost her a couple of weeks ago. She had a heart attack and 40 pounds of water decided to take presence in her body. Thankfully they were able to flush the water out and said the heart attack did not really do any damage. She is doing better. Unfortunately it has been a long time since she has been well. She is in so much pain it is hard to watch. My heart is so sad for my uncle and cousins, watching her get weaker and weaker, knowing that at any time she could die. She is only 41 and it seems like she hasn't lived long enough. I have know her since I was about 7 years old, I remember all of her children being born and I remember as I got older us becoming friends. I will be so sad to lose her.

Unfortunately, this is not the first loved one I have lost to cancer. My friend's dad, who I called "Pa", died after a very long battle with cancer in 2001. I loved him as if he were my father. He had suffered so long it was probably a blessing that he did die, but it didn't make it any easier to say goodbye to him. I still don't know if I have. I still talk to him and ask his advise like I use to. I remember when he was alive, I use to just sit with him, even if my friend was not home, I would just go visit him and sit with him and he would hold my hand and talk with me. I miss him so much, sometimes I forget how much until I talk about it. My parents separated for 6 years and in this time I had very little to do with my dad and Pa was my dad in all senses. He took care of me, supported me and respected me like my real father never had. It was a blessing and I am so thankful that he was in my life. I wish it would have been longer and I wish he would not have had to die so painfully.

Ok, ok, sadness stopping. It has been a hard time lately, but I think things will get better. I hope. I need good news, I need something to look forward to. But for now, my present and future is about this benefit. Putting everything I have into it to help my aunt and her family. She is a wonderful women and I hope she knows that.