and then she said...

Monday, May 15, 2006

Lost without a map

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do next year for school for my son. I live in a small town and my son is going to a small country school. Unfortunately, there have been a couple of instances that I do not agree with the way the school is handling things. Also, the kindergarten schedule is horrid and they would like JJ to repeat Kindergarten. Although, I am quite confused about that. I went onto some charter school websites to check out my options and look at the requirements for 1st grade and JJ meets every one of them. Anyhow, now I need to decide do I send him back to this school where he has made friends, do I send him to another school within my small town, do I send him to the elementary school by my work or send him to a charter school that is completely out of my way. Trust me I have had several moments of what do I do in the last five years. When my ex was losing his mind and I kept going back and forth with do I leave, do I stay, I figured it out and left. JJ and I are both better off because of that decision. I would like to say my ex is better off also, but I honestly have no idea. When I was having problems with daycare, I was able to find one that worked with my son's and my needs better. There are two thing I am stuck with - first, what to do with his mischievousness and impulsiveness and second, this school situation. This is probably the thing that sucks the most about being a single mom. It is easier if you have a partner there to make the decision with. Two minds to throw things around. Also, I believe that JJ would probably be better behaved with a father in his life, but that is just my opinion, I might be totally wrong.

My life is not exactly where I planned for it to be at this point in my life, not that I am unhappy or anything like that, just not where I saw myself. And would I like to be in a different place? Yes, I would. I can admit that I need help, it is hard for me to, but I do need help from time to time. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family and great friends. I could be a lot worse off then I am. But when JJ has bad days at school or at home, it make me question my decisions and question how I am doing as a mom. I was brought to tears last week, two bad days in a row, one at school and then the next day at daycare. I have learned to handle things without yelling, which is so much better for me and for JJ. It is a long tough road, sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for it. I love him, and I keep thinking that will have to be enough. And it usually is.

Please don't get me wrong, JJ is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I just question if I am the best thing that happened to him. I hope that he eventually thinks so. I think my mom is pretty wonderful, I know she had some hard decisions while my sister and I were growing up. I know she didn't always make the right decision, but overall, both my sister and I are good people. It is because of her that we are, and we are lucky because of that. I am sure that didn't know all of this when I was young, and I know as a pre-teen and the being of teenage life I didn't think so. I pretty much hated both of my parents, however, when you grow up you realize how wonderful it is to have parents that love you and care about your well being. There are a lot of children out there that do not have parents, and even if they do, those parents only care about themselves. I am truly glad that I ended up with the parents that I have, the good and the bad, because they love me, my sister and my son in a way that I believe no one else every could. And that makes me and JJ both pretty darn lucky.

Happy Mother's day (belated)!! I hope your day was as wonderful as mine. There is no gift like soggy cereal and a kiss from a 5 year old that sometimes thinks you are "the best mom".

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