and then she said...

My Little Man is 6

2006-09-13T14:15:00.000-04:00

It's JJ's birthday today. He turned 6. Which seems impossible to me. The last 6 years have went by so quickly. I am so lucky to have a little boy who is creative and has an imagination that I would die for. There are so many times that I feel like I have had enough, but it never lasts very long. As his daycare says, he is too cute to be upset with. I don't think I would ever knew what love is truely about if I had not of had JJ. Because having the love of a child is so amazing.

Happy Birthday, Buddy!

Oh yeah, I have a blog

2006-08-08T11:48:00.001-04:00

I am really bad at this. JJ is home and doing well. I enrolled him into a summer school program in Math and Reading. He does the homework and send it in, they grade it and send it back. I finally feel comfortable about my decision to let him go onto 1st grade. He is pretty smart. We are still working on the reading and writing. He is getting closer, and hopefully by the time school starts he will be ready. Although, he did tell me the other night that he changed his mind and he did not want to go into the 1st grade. The reason? He will not be able to have fun anymore. I wanted to say 'get use to it kid', but I said that was not true and learning is fun. Of which, I am fairly certain he does not believe me. Anyhow - summer is going by quickly, and I have a lot to do between now and the end of September. Even weekend in September is full, JJ 6th bday party, a trip up north to Mackinaw, and finally my sister's baby shower. Oh, yeah, my sister is pregnant. It is going really well, she already past the point where she lost her first. They have done all the testing and she (it's a girl!) is testing very healthy. Big relief!! Anyhow, August will be spent getting ready for all these adventures. JJ is in a parade this week in the town I live in. He will be dressed as the Tin Man. I will try to post pics.

I wanted to post pics from his vacation - but it won't let me - I will try again later.

Ok - finally - here we are - the boys' vacation to Disneyland...

He's Home

2006-06-29T08:29:00.000-04:00

My baby is home. So glad that he is. I got a lot of hugs and kisses yesterday, and he really did miss me. However, after only a little time with me, I am still the meanest mom in the world! So good, I didn't lose my title when he was gone...

Freedom is not as fun as I thought it would be

2006-06-19T15:30:00.000-04:00

So I have been home for 6 days now. Thought I would be so so happy to have free time and be able to do whatever, which is exactly how I was last year, but no. I miss my son so badly. He has been calling me often to let me know he "misses me soooo much", which makes me miss him more. He is at Disneyland today, I haven't been able to talk to him because he is too busy having fun. My sister called and told me he is having a wonderful time, but he keeps saying that "mom should be here". It does feel good that he wants to share all his fun with me, I would love to be sharing it with him. I feel horrible that I am missing his first big vacation. Since he has been very little we have taken our vacation every year to Arizona to see my sister. It is nice to see her and it is cheap, no hotel to pay for!! And for a single mom, cheap is very good. I could not afford to take him on two vacations, so every year it has been Arizona. This year my sister and her husband drove to California with him and are taking him to Disney and the zoo. It is nice that he will be able to experience it. I know that he will remember it forever. In 2007 I am hoping to take him to Disney World. I am saving already and would like to take him at Christmas time. His love for Disney come from me. I am a freak and love anything Disney. He has all the Disney movies and stuff animals, so he loves it as much as I do. I can not wait to be able to share it with him. I think my mom plans on going with us, so it will be a nice family vacation. My dad refuses to fly, so he will be staying at home. Big plans, but since it is over a year and half away, I guess I will have to wait.

You would think that I would have big plans - but not so much. Nothing planned. I am suppose to go for a drink with an old friend, but we haven't firmed anything up. I am making jam with my grandman this week, so there's that. Hopefully I will get my butt out there and do something fun - but I am making no guarantees.

I will try to post pics when he returns - I can't wait to see them myself.

Ramblings

2006-05-24T15:02:00.000-04:00

I can not believe it, but school is almost over. They just changed the last day of school to June 5. Which is so wonderful for me. We leave for Arizona on June 7th - although, if I would have know I would of scheduled an early flight - but this will cause for a lot less running around on the day we are leaving. It is getting closer. He has 3 more full days and one half day (which is his last day). And 3 more days of Sea Lions. Then I get 1 week (well almost) to relax in the beautiful sun and then 2 weeks when I will be free, free I say!! Don't get me wrong - I do miss him while he is with my sister - but it is so nice to be able to miss him. Sometimes I think that we need to miss each other more. It seems we are always together, although, I know this is not true because he tells me that I am at work all the time and he wishes that I would just stay home with him. I tell him that without me working he could not have toys, or food, but he thinks the solution is for me to "find him a dad" and then "he can buy the food". Nice, eh? Well, he is going through this stage right now, please God let it be a stage, where he would like every single bit of my attention at every second!! Unless, I am telling him what or how to do something, then he would like me to leave him alone.

The principle from his school just called me. My heart jumped into my throat.

Me - "Yes, Mr. Principle."
Mr. Principle - "Um, JJ just informed us that he ate a purple flower on the bus this morning."
Me - "Oh, um......ok"
Mr. Principle - "Well, I am not sure who exactly gave him this flower and he, of course, has no idea. But we wanted to inform you, he seems to be fine, but we can call poison control if you would like."
Me - "No, I think he will be ok, I am sure he has ate worse."

I am such a great mom. My son now on top of having a really hard time listening, is eating flowers. When does this stop again? Oh yeah, its just lile a roller coaster, it has it ups and downs. But I have to say, the good things, even if sometimes they seem like they are less often, out measure the bad. He says things like "I love you up to the sky and back" and "I have a hard time sleeping if I don't snuggle with you first", ok, yeah, so sometimes it to get out of going to sleep, but hey, he loves me, and for those of you who have children, you know that a love like that is just.....priceless....wonderful and I can not imagine my life without it.

We are starting to plan his 6th birthday, which is almost 4 months away. He likes to start early. My child would like to have it at our local Chinese restaurant. So this year the theme is Chinese and dinosaurs, his two very favorite things. I am sure it will be fun. This will be the first party where he will be able to invite his friends that aren't just my friend's children. It will be different, I do not know any of them really, and some I do not care for already, but I figure my mom let me make my own mistakes. And I hope that he will meet someone that remains his friend, my best friend is a friend that I have had since I was around 5. It is amazing, and sometimes when we are together we act about 5, but it is fun!!

***Edit***

I talked to JJ last night and appearantly he ate the flower because...it tasted good!! Well, that solves that mystery. This will go in my file..thing I never thought I would say..."Please do not eat flowers."

Lost without a map

2006-05-15T11:13:00.000-04:00

I honestly have no idea what I am going to do next year for school for my son. I live in a small town and my son is going to a small country school. Unfortunately, there have been a couple of instances that I do not agree with the way the school is handling things. Also, the kindergarten schedule is horrid and they would like JJ to repeat Kindergarten. Although, I am quite confused about that. I went onto some charter school websites to check out my options and look at the requirements for 1st grade and JJ meets every one of them. Anyhow, now I need to decide do I send him back to this school where he has made friends, do I send him to another school within my small town, do I send him to the elementary school by my work or send him to a charter school that is completely out of my way. Trust me I have had several moments of what do I do in the last five years. When my ex was losing his mind and I kept going back and forth with do I leave, do I stay, I figured it out and left. JJ and I are both better off because of that decision. I would like to say my ex is better off also, but I honestly have no idea. When I was having problems with daycare, I was able to find one that worked with my son's and my needs better. There are two thing I am stuck with - first, what to do with his mischievousness and impulsiveness and second, this school situation. This is probably the thing that sucks the most about being a single mom. It is easier if you have a partner there to make the decision with. Two minds to throw things around. Also, I believe that JJ would probably be better behaved with a father in his life, but that is just my opinion, I might be totally wrong.

My life is not exactly where I planned for it to be at this point in my life, not that I am unhappy or anything like that, just not where I saw myself. And would I like to be in a different place? Yes, I would. I can admit that I need help, it is hard for me to, but I do need help from time to time. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful family and great friends. I could be a lot worse off then I am. But when JJ has bad days at school or at home, it make me question my decisions and question how I am doing as a mom. I was brought to tears last week, two bad days in a row, one at school and then the next day at daycare. I have learned to handle things without yelling, which is so much better for me and for JJ. It is a long tough road, sometimes I wonder if I am cut out for it. I love him, and I keep thinking that will have to be enough. And it usually is.

Please don't get me wrong, JJ is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me. I just question if I am the best thing that happened to him. I hope that he eventually thinks so. I think my mom is pretty wonderful, I know she had some hard decisions while my sister and I were growing up. I know she didn't always make the right decision, but overall, both my sister and I are good people. It is because of her that we are, and we are lucky because of that. I am sure that didn't know all of this when I was young, and I know as a pre-teen and the being of teenage life I didn't think so. I pretty much hated both of my parents, however, when you grow up you realize how wonderful it is to have parents that love you and care about your well being. There are a lot of children out there that do not have parents, and even if they do, those parents only care about themselves. I am truly glad that I ended up with the parents that I have, the good and the bad, because they love me, my sister and my son in a way that I believe no one else every could. And that makes me and JJ both pretty darn lucky.

Happy Mother's day (belated)!! I hope your day was as wonderful as mine. There is no gift like soggy cereal and a kiss from a 5 year old that sometimes thinks you are "the best mom".

It has begun...

2006-05-08T13:31:00.000-04:00

I have been warned for years about when my child starts extra curricular activies. Well, it has begun, early this year he was in biddy basketball, but it was only one day a week for 6 weeks, no big deal, and it was on Saturdays. Tonight he will start Sea L ions as a sea pup. I am already starting to stress a little bit about being able to get him from the bus or daycare and to the practice on time. I know you moms with multiple kids are laughing, like I should have a problem getting one five year old to where he needs to be. That's the OCD in my coming out. Anyhow, we will have to push dinner shead an hour or so, and in turn our exercise, well my exercise ahead an hour or so. It's only one month, three days a week, I will be able to do this. I think JJ is going to be one of those kids who wants to participate in everything, so I better get use to it. He is very excited and so am I, I am hoping this will help him listen better - what - shup up - really I think it might help! He is only enrolled in the Spring session, the Summer session starts while he is still in Arizona, but who knows, maybe I will enroll him for it anyhow, we will see. I have no idea how this whole thing works, but I guess I will find out tonight. Then my little fish will be right where he loves to be...

Groupie

2006-05-01T16:07:00.000-04:00

I think I have become a groupie of local band. Well, actually I think I have been for the last 5 years. I starting going to see them with a friend from work at her mom's bar, the Red Moose Inn. The bands name is Cash O'Riley and the Downright Daddies. You can listen to some of their music. It is rockabilly, very good rockabilly. Many people from my work have come to like the band a lot and try to catch their gigs when they come to town. A few of us went to see them Friday at Moriarty's Pub and learned that the original bass player decided to leave the band. There is now only one original member from the band, Cash O'Riley. They still rock and pulled a couple of people from other local bands to play with them. The steel guitar and hermonica players from Steppin' in it played in a few songs, one word - Amazing. I have never heard a hermonica played like that before, it gave me chills. If you go to their my space page you can sample some of their music. It was a great night with great music. I am definately a music lover. I love all types of music, well most types of music. I love music I can feel and both these small local bands, you can feel their music.

Smiles all around

2006-04-18T10:48:00.000-04:00

I am glad to report that all is going so great with the new schedule. My son is so much happier and thrilled to be dropped off at my friend's house. That is so much better then, "Mom, can you stay home today?" That breaks my heart. I would love to be able to stay home with my son everyday. It would be so wonderful, however, I really need to work so that I can do little things like provide insurance and, ya know, buy food. I love to see my son happy, it is that best feeling in the world. So when I drop him off and his kisses me and gives me a hug and then runs in the other direction, it is thrilling.

The tickets have been booked (and paid for - thank you IRS) and we are all set to go to Arizona in June. I am looking forward to spending time with my sister and for Jacob to be able to spend time with her also. He absolutely loves her, more then he loves me sometimes, well so he says!! They are a lot alike for only seeing each other a few times a year. Their personalities are so similar, it is scary!! Which is good, if my son turns out to be like my sister, it would be a blessing! She is a wonderful person, and she is very smart.

Anyhow, thought I would bring some good news to my site. I read through and realized how depressing it was lately. Everything is going very well right now. JJ is loving his new "daycare", loving the homeschooling and really loving me getting him onto the bus two days a week. And I am loving that he is so darn happy. And I am loving that in about two months, I will have two weeks to do whatever, whenever!! It will be soo nice!

Making Changes...

2006-04-11T12:00:00.000-04:00

I feel for the last five years my life I have went through many, many changes. I guess when you have a child that is what life is like. My son starting going to my best friends house this week rather then daycare. He was having a hard time at the daycare he was at, so this is very good for him. My best friend homeschools her three children. So now my son will have some consistency, at least with learning. The person who ran his last daycare did not do much with the children with learning, or playing for that matter. I think in the 7 months he went there they may have went out side 10 times. Anyhow, I am glad for the change, but it is another change, which takes time to get use to. I live about 20 miles away from this friend and then her home is about 15 miles from my work, so up early, driving more, but better - really! The only day that is hard is Mondays, because the town I live in has a very screwed up schedule for Kindergarten. He attends Monday afternoon, and then all day Wednesday and Friday. (This schedule has not been a good thing for him.) But anyhow, my friend may have to drive the 20 miles to my home to drop him off at the bus, or he can take a county transit system, that worries me a little. They do pick up children his age and younger and take them to school for a fee, but my 5 year old on a bus without ya know 30 other kids, scares me. So I think I will probably just end up asking my friend to take him and pay her the gas money. I would feel better about that, hopefully she will too. There is less then 9 weeks left of school, so it is not that big of deal, but I feel truly blessed to have her as a friend. We have been friends for over 25 years!!

Jacob is having a hard time reading and writing sentences and I am hoping the homeschooling helps him with this. I also hope it helps him learn to sit still and pay attention, we will see. Some things come with age, I believe this is one of those things. Now the reading and writing, it is a little weird to me, because Kindergarten for me was coloring, recess and napping. They want kids to know so much more now. I try to work with him everyday, and the great thing is that he absolutely loves learning. It is not a punishment to him to have to sit down and do an hour more of reading and writing at night. So that is so nice, and I hope that he is going to love the schooling at my friends.

After school is out this year, will we be going to visit my sister in Arizona. I will stay for about a week and then Jacob stays with her for about two more weeks. This has been something we have done for a few years now. He loves it, I miss him a lot, but I love it too. Since his father is not in the picture, this is my only time for myself, which probably sounds selfish, but hey, it is time to myself. Plus he is 5 years old and can swim like a fish and dive down and get rings and all that good stuff.

Yup, that's him, getting rings off the bottom of my sisters pool (actually this is when he was 4).

After the vacation with my sister, he will return to his original daycare, County Kids. He loves it there and they love him. They swim and do very fun activities. He is excited about returning. Then hopefully he will go onto 1st grade and I will be able to get him onto the bus and then I will not have to worry about daycare or anything like that. Oh, how nice would that be. He will continue to spend his summers at County Kids until he is old enough to watch himself. For boys, what it that, like 25? Just kidding!!

I think I might be in love...

2006-03-30T16:50:00.001-05:00

Ok - so it isn't with a man..or woman for that matter. It is with this newish radio station in my area. They play mostly late 70's, 80's and early 90's. Man it is like being young again. I mean REO, Sheriff, Journey, I know, I am old - but I am loving it. It makes my work day, oh so much better and I sing and smile, people go by and think I am crazy and leave me alone, so another bonus. Although, I find myself getting a lot of the songs stuck in my head and singing everywhere. And I do not sing so well, but my 5 year old doesn't seem to care to much. A couple of weeks ago I had Abracadabra stuck in my head for days. I just anticipate the next song. I want all of these songs on my MP3. It would then make the cleaning easier. Ok, so maybe love is too strong of a world...Maybe lust!!

On a totally different subject, I went on a field trip yesterday with my son and his class to the planetarium. He thought it was the coolest thing and all I could think was, didn't this place use to be bigger? Well, I think the last time I went I was not much older then what my son is now. I am sure he thought it was huge just like I did back then. The sad part is that I couldn't hear some of the presentation because two adult were snickering and laughing the whole time. And they say my son is immature for 5? Anyhow - the little one had a blast and I brought him back to work with me - which he loves and my co-workers love. He may be immature, but he is darn cute.

At the end of my rope ... With some decisions to make

2006-03-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

So the parent-teacher conference was all I thought it would be. Jacob, believe it or not, is immature. A boy who is 5 years old is immature. Can't imagine that - since my ex-husband was still pretty immature at 33, and I sure now that he is 37, he is still immature. Anyhow, they would like him to repeat Kindergarten. Which I am not opposed to, it is just that when I hear that a 5 year old is immature it is like yeah, ok, that is a given, right? So now I have to decide if I feel he is too immature both behaviorally and academically to repeat Kindergarten. I just need to think about it for a few more months.

Now I get to go deal with the bus driver because he will not listen and talks to loud - I have no idea where he gets the loudness from - no idea at all. But this bus driver seems like she would rather peel gum from a subway wall rather then drive kids all day long. Seems to me she picked the wrong profession. So my day is oh so wonderful. I swear I don't think my kid is perfect, I guess I just don't think he is horrible.

Just another day in paradise

2006-03-14T08:47:00.000-05:00

I have to find a new doctors office. I have been struggling with my weight, oh, forever. Last year in August one doctor put me on Synthyroid to regulate my thyroid. Then I went to the doctor for headaches a couple of weeks ago and he noticed from the test taken in July 2005 that I did not need the thyroid medicine, but that maybe my insulin levels were off. He didn't want to discuss it then because I had my child with me and asked me to come back. Since I have been exercising and eating well and still not losing weight, this was like a beacon of hope for me. So I went back last night to talk with him and while I think I probably do produce too much insulin and need help with that he was trying to sell me something. Gawd, it was so fustrating. So he first told me how healthy I was because my blood sugar is great and my cholesterol is great and blah blah blah. Then he said 'you are producing too much insulin so I am going to give you this pill and you will take it with two meal and then your third meal with be a protein shake'. I was like ok, I can do that, perfect. Then he tried to sell me the protein shakes through the doctors office which are like a least twice the price as at a whole food store or GNC. I told him I didn't have any money with me and he gave me a sample. What the hell? Now you get sold stuff at the doctors office. Oh and did I mention, he has no idea how I am getting the headaches even after a cat scan. So anyhow - I live in a small town there is not a lot of choices for doctors, but I think I need to just find one by my work - then I maybe I can find one that actual cares about treating me instead of selling me something. Plus, would catch something on test results, lets say, a little less then 8 months after tests are done!!

Ok, so my next new adventure. Hopefully this prescription will not cost me a small fortune without going through my insurance. I will try this just because at this point I will try anything. However, I will go to a whole foods store to buy the protein shake.

On to bigger and better things, my son's parent-teacher conference is tonight. I am not looking forward to it, because while he is pretty much were he needs to be academically, his behavior is not what the teacher would like it to be. Also, he goes to the "counselor" every Wednesday for a little bit, he had a hard time after my sisters baby died, so he starting going and now asks to go, and she will also be involved in the conference. Ok, I hope this isn't a "this is how you are screwing your child up" conference. I do try hard , I don't mean to screw him up, honestly. OK, so he is a little active, he interrupts, I got it, have I mentioned he is 5. So anyhow - I understand that he is being disruptive, do you understand that he is 5? Do you actually want to work with children? On top of all this I argue with them over the schedule constantly. He goes 1/2 day on Monday, all day Wednesday and all day Friday. I don't think this is a proper schedule for children. There is no consistency. Anyhow - He is on the whole punishment/reward thing for school. He seems to be doing well - guess we will find out tonight!!

I will try to keep this updated with progress - hopefully it will keep me on track!

Saying Goodbye

2006-03-13T09:38:00.000-05:00

My aunt passed away early on Saturday morning. Part of me is so terrible sad and another part relieved she is out of pain. Yesterday we went and spent some time with my uncle to make sure him and his boys were ok. One of the donations of the benefit was a free family photo. My uncle picked up the picture and showed it to us. You could see the pain, you could see it in her eyes and in the way she was sitting. I don't think any of us had any idea just how much pain she was in. My uncle said something very moving to my sister "she has been my best friend for 26 years, what am I going to do now..." It would be so hard to lose someone that has been your one and only for so long.

I think of the kids and how they will never be able to hug their mom again, talk with her about life and can not imagine not being able to see my mom and talk to her. I have already had more years with my mother then they had. The four boys are becoming closer. They are staying together in my uncles home, being a family, eating together, talking together, crying together.

In less then a week we will be having the benefit for her. It will be harder without her here. She asked that the benefit be a celebration of her life. She asked to be cremated and did not want a funeral. My uncle will have a memorial for her in April, she asked that he wait a month. I am unsure why, but like my uncle said this is the last thing that he can do for her and that is what he is going to do.

Death is such a weird thing. It doesn't really feel any different, but when I think that I will never see her again, I will never laugh with her again, it makes me oh so sad.

Let's change the subject, because I have seen the difficulties of not being able to conceive and losing children through miscarriages I wanted to link a site because everyone deserves a prayer. Please put these people in your thoughts and wish them well. I hope that everything turns out well for them.

Nearing the end

2006-03-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

My aunt decided last night that she did not want the ventilator. Well, she decided with the help of my uncle and cousins - they decided as a family that they needed to let go. The hospital is trying to stabilize her so that she can go home to die. They are hoping to send her home today with hospice. Part of me is glad that her pain will stop, but another part of me is having such a hard time knowing that she will never grow old with her husband. My heart hurts for my uncle, they have been each others everything since they were teenagers. Now he will have to complete his life without her.

Although, my one aunt is still driving me nuts with this benefit, it makes me cherish family more. You never know how much time you will have with them. I will miss my aunt Rhonda so much. However, I am thankful that she will finally be out of pain. Living the life she has had to live for the last few years have had to be unbearable. I am glad that she was able to see what she means to everyone and how much she is loved.

I am worried for my son right now. He talks a lot about death. He keeps saying to me "We are both too young to die, right mom?", and then follows up with, "we will be together always, right mom?". It breaks my heart, I say yes to both questions - even though I probably should not. I can not even start to explain why certain people do die so young, because I have no idea.

On a positive note, he stated to play biddy basketball. It is quite entertaining. If I can figure out how to post pictures I will post some of him playing.

You can't pick your family...

2006-03-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

Man oh man, I am going insane. A nervous breakdown to follow...

While today should be all happy happy joy joy, because it is my birthday!! My family is driving me crazy. My aunt is getting worse and today is having a hard time breathing, she would like to be put on a ventilator. She has voiced over and over, do WHATEVER it takes to keep her alive. So now the whole family is gathering at the hospital to make the decision...UM...no...she made the decision, leave her alone. They are driving me crazy - did I mention that? Last week my aunt had to have her leg amputated. It turned black and they determined that it was probably gangrene, so they felt the best option was to take her leg. Now the cancer that has developed back in her lungs is making it so she can not breathe. Her 41st birthday was on March 8th, I guess she had a great time with cake and ice cream and a lot of family. I am glad her last one was great. I know that was weighing very heavily on the minds of her, her husband and children. They all went into the day knowing this was the very last birthday they would celebrate with her.

The benefit, while going well, is also driving me crazy because my one aunt thinks she should make all the decisions and could possibly be costing the family money instead of gathering money for them. I am trying very hard to do whatever I can, but slapping about half my family right now sounds soo much better.

A long road, cut short

2006-03-01T15:49:00.000-05:00

I apparently am not good at this writing thing. Here I am though, trying once again. I have been very busy lately with a benefit we are doing for my aunt. She is very ill with cancer and does not have long to live. Her husband, my uncle, had to take leave from his job last June to take care of her, take her to her doctors appointments, administer her drug intake. It is horrible. So they are having a hard time, ya know, paying anything without an income. So we are throwing a dinner/dance benefit for them to help out. People have been very generous and everything is looking good. We have a lot of items for our silent auction and for the mini raffle we are having. If you want to read more go here, click on "Friends came to aid of...".

It is so hard to know that when you leave her it might be the "last" time. We almost lost her a couple of weeks ago. She had a heart attack and 40 pounds of water decided to take presence in her body. Thankfully they were able to flush the water out and said the heart attack did not really do any damage. She is doing better. Unfortunately it has been a long time since she has been well. She is in so much pain it is hard to watch. My heart is so sad for my uncle and cousins, watching her get weaker and weaker, knowing that at any time she could die. She is only 41 and it seems like she hasn't lived long enough. I have know her since I was about 7 years old, I remember all of her children being born and I remember as I got older us becoming friends. I will be so sad to lose her.

Unfortunately, this is not the first loved one I have lost to cancer. My friend's dad, who I called "Pa", died after a very long battle with cancer in 2001. I loved him as if he were my father. He had suffered so long it was probably a blessing that he did die, but it didn't make it any easier to say goodbye to him. I still don't know if I have. I still talk to him and ask his advise like I use to. I remember when he was alive, I use to just sit with him, even if my friend was not home, I would just go visit him and sit with him and he would hold my hand and talk with me. I miss him so much, sometimes I forget how much until I talk about it. My parents separated for 6 years and in this time I had very little to do with my dad and Pa was my dad in all senses. He took care of me, supported me and respected me like my real father never had. It was a blessing and I am so thankful that he was in my life. I wish it would have been longer and I wish he would not have had to die so painfully.

Ok, ok, sadness stopping. It has been a hard time lately, but I think things will get better. I hope. I need good news, I need something to look forward to. But for now, my present and future is about this benefit. Putting everything I have into it to help my aunt and her family. She is a wonderful women and I hope she knows that.

That time of year...

2005-12-14T12:22:00.000-05:00

It is the time of year again where I way over extend myself. I am not a domestic goddess although I do try. After work this week is just so booked. I am making Christmas treats for work for Friday (which is for December birthdays). This means that I will be baking every night this week in some way or another. And this year I decided to cut down on the "treats" and make some breakfast type food and still make treats, just less. So not only do I have to bake every night, on Friday I will have to get up a couple hours early then normal, which means like 4:30 am, so that I can make this breakfasty food. And the only person I can blame for this - oh yeah - ME!! And I do this to myself every year. And every year I say that I will not do it again and then what happens? Yes, I do it again. On top of all this cooking/baking, I have to finish shopping. Which means all day Saturday will be spent shopping, and maybe Thursday depending on this beautiful Michigan weather. On top of this, I have an upper respiratory infection. Yippee!! Ya know, I just read that over and I sound like an old women complaining, oh man, you do turn into your mother!! But I seriously do love to make everyone at work happy with the yummy goodies, on the menu this year, 3 different breakfast wreaths, peanut butter balls, caramel cornflake cluster, pumkin bread with cream cheese spread, and white chocolate cover marshmallow to put into Caramel hot chocolate. Ok, I got tired just typing it, I am old. Damn it!

Well, off I go to finish my day at work so that I can go home and..um..work!!

Just so sad

2005-12-05T11:47:00.000-05:00

I don't even know if this is appropriate, but I am just so sad. My sister tried to get pregnant for over a year and finally this past August found out she was pregnant. I was actually down in Arizona visiting her at the time. But this last Wednesday the baby died. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving she found at that there was something wrong with the baby, but didn't know exactly how bad it was. She did know that it might not make it through the pregnancy and if it did make it, that it probably would not live very long after the birth. Another unfortunate part is that because she was 19 weeks along, she had to have to baby naturally. They took her in on Thursday night at 6 pm and starting inducing her. She didn't have to baby until Friday night at 9:30 pm. So this long labor with absolutely no reward. My heart just breaks for her. We are all very sad. But telling my son, who is 5, was the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do. Most things roll off his back, but this just hit him so hard, he instantly starting crying when I told him. He kept asking me why, which is just an impossible question to answer. So all the things I was suppose to get done this weekend, not done.

This unfortunately is not the first time I have been through something like this. I kinda feel like a jinx. Two of my friends have had disabled children, one had a stroke in the womb and it damaged her brain, which leaves her with some leg and hand disabilities, another was born with Spina Bifida. She had water on her brain, also. So she has a shunt in her brain, has braces on her legs, and has no bowel control. Two more of my friends has disabled children that did not live, one was born with his extremities at different weeks of the pregnancy, I know that sounds weird, but literally, his legs were at like 32 weeks, his arms at 30, his head at 28, you get he point. He was feed with a feeding tube and was on a constant heart monitor, he lived until 9 months. With second one, the mom lost her amniotic fluid at 20 weeks in and carried the baby until like 31 weeks. When the baby was born it cried, which they said it would not, but still the lungs were not developed and the baby died at 14 hours old. All very sad, and unfortunately with this happening to my sister, made me think of all these times. And makes me so grateful that I have a very lovely, healthy boy.

Sorry to depress every one. I will try to make my next post a little more upbeat.

No 911 calls

2005-11-29T11:56:00.000-05:00

Well, the day after shopping went by with no problems. Unlike the riots in Florida, Michigan shopping was fine. No women beating up men for a toy or anything!! This was by far the best year of shopping ever. I got everything on my list and my mom got almost everything. It helps if you leave your house at 4 am. And all the fun you have from running from store to store keeps you awake. The only time I got tired was waiting for over an hour and half in line at Best Buy. Which wouldn't of been that bad if a 25 year old boy wouldn't of been behind me talking about the Xbox 360 stuff that he was buying and how he didn't yet have a Xbox 360, but he would be ready whenever he actually would be able to get one. Ok, seriously? And if I wouldn't of heard him talk about this for the whole time, it probably wouldn't of been so bad. But I did survive. And had so much fun with my mom. It was the best day I have had in a very long time.

The whole 4 day weekend was actually quite great. Thursday involved much laying around in sweats and getting ready to do the shopping the next day. Of course, Friday was shopping. Saturday my Best friends had her very first party as a Mary Kay Consultant. It went really well and was super fun. I think she will do great. If you live in the Lansing, Michigan area and need a Mary Kay consultant, go to her website. And Sunday was again mostly spent in lounge clothes, however, I also got all my Christmas decorating done. My son, Jacob, loves to help with that stuff. I let him put most of the ornaments on the tree this year. He thought that was pretty cool.

So, I hope all had a great, long, relaxing weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

Hope all have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your four day weekend (if you have one).

Holidays and Shopping

2005-11-22T10:27:00.000-05:00

Ahhh...it is my favorite time of year. Even though fall usually begins my favorite time of year and we did not have a fall this year. Only a 3 day work week for me and the a 4 day weekend. I love the Holidays. And this Friday, yes the day after Thanksgiving, or Black Friday, I will be one of the crazy people shopping. It is more of a tradition then anything else. And this year - I found someone to watch my son. How awesome. Because, as other boys, he HATES shopping. So my wonderful best friend is taking him overnight on Thursday, so we can get up before the crack of dawn and go shopping. It is so nuts - but my mom and me, we have a blast and it is nice to just spend some time together. We are not the people who you see running for stuff and grabbing it out of peoples hand. We just go shopping, like it was any other day. Of course, we usually have to take two vehicles to fit everything in - but other then that - like any other shopping day. So a day of shopping without hearing, are. we. going. yet. And the only thing I have to do, because she will not take money from me, is help her with her very first Mary Kay party. Which I absolutely love to do. So she definately is getting the raw end of the deal here.

So Thursday it is relaxing and eating, Turkey, one of my favorites and then a day of shopping. It is fun - no really it is. Although this year will be hard, my son does not need anything. So it is fun to try no to buy him stuff that he really doesn't need. But I will and probably way to much, which is why he has too much already.

Well, I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving, gobble gobble!!

Family Fun Night...

2005-11-17T09:56:00.000-05:00

I was once so excited about my son starting Kindergarten. I was so excited I join the PTO to be a super mom. Well, let me tell ya, I have gotten into a situation that is horrible for me. I am a yes man, when someone asks me to do something I have a hard time saying no. I feel guilty. Then I take on too much and get mad, mostly at myself. Well, tonight is a "Family Fun Night" at his school for the PTO. We sold raffle tickets to give away money and are doing the drawing tonight, but one of the other PTO members thought it would be fun if we have other give aways and door prizes on top of this. So as I approached many of my towns business to get "donations" it wasn't bad. People were very giving, especially McDonald's and Domino's Pizza. But after going to many many business I kept getting phone call from a couple other members of the PTO to ask me to do more more more more. So tonight I get to pick up the drinks from McDonald's, which they donated along with cups, and then take my child to the school early to help set up. And don't get me wrong, it isn't that I do not want to do this stuff. It is that there are 101 children at this school and guess how many parents on the PTO, around 7. 7 parents out of what at least 150 parents. How sad is that? We actually did a survey on what would be the best way to collect money for the school and one parent put on there, "Something that takes as little effort as possible." I was so mad. It is for their children, it buys books and activities for them. I say for that parent, write a check, and make it big.

So anyhow, that is my night. I feel so exhausted sometimes. My son had Strep last week, being a single mom I had to stay home with him, which caused me to work nights when my mom could watch him. Then I had to get caught up at home over the weekend on the stuff you miss when you are not home at night, ok mainly my DVR'd shows, by also housework. Then this week had been quite hectic, I really don't know why, but it really had. And the shopping for Christmas starts soon. Although, my son needs nothing. However, I will be buying him stuff and my mom will be buying stuff, oh and Santa will be buying stuff. Too much.

List...

2005-11-16T12:51:00.000-05:00

Since Mel did such a nice list, I though it would be fun. We will see if I can actually list 100 things about myself.

1. I am the baby in my family, but taller then my sister.
2. I once intended to be a school counselor, but only got my associates degree.
3. I stopped going to college when I got married.
4. I am now happily divorced.
5. I never thought having a child would be so wonderful and at the same time so fustrating.
6. My mom tried to tell me this...I didn't listen.
7. I pierced my ears when I was young, but no longer wear earrings.
8. I think I am allergic to anything being in my ear.
9. I love jewlery, but rarely wear it.
10. My best friend and I have been friends since I was 5.
11. Most of my friends have not been good friends to me.
12. A lot of the friends that are the best to me I found later in life.
13. My mom is one of my best friends.
14. The TV is also one of my best friends.
15. Along with Dishnetwork and DVR.
16. I love celebrity gossip.
17. I love gossip in general.
18. I have lost and gained more weight then any one ever should.
19. I would like to loss weight right now.
20. I have a "top 5 list" for men and women.
21. If Ms. Jolie had bigger boobs she would be my perfect women.
22. I am not gay, even though the way I talk about women you might think so.
23. My nickname in high school was Itzagood, not because that was the name of the pizza shop I worked at, but because I gave good "head".
24. I was proud of my nickname, not embarrassed in the slightest.
25. I don't know if I want more children, but I would love to be pregnant again.
26. Ok, I can't believe I am going to admit this, but I have not had sex since I left my ex-husband.
27. By the by, that was almost 4 years ago.
28. I would really like to have a boyfriend and most important sex, soon.
29. I love reading blogs, but do not keep up on mine.
30. Mostly because I have no idea how do anything with it but post.
31. I have also not made out with anyone in 4 years.
32. I would also like to do that again.
33. I only drink alcohol about 2 time a year.
34. I probably wouldn't care if I enter drank alcohol again.
35. I smoked for 10 years.
36. I still smoke sometimes when I drink.
37. Because it make me a little high and it is legal.
38. I make a list of "things to do" everyday at work.
39. I make a list everytime I travel, so I do not forget anything.
40. I have a grocery list pad on my frig.
41. I love to cook.
42. I love to bake, espically at Christmas.
43. My favorite holiday is Christmas, since I have had my son.
44. My favorite shopping is for others, espically my son.
45. My favorite food is Mexican.
46. My sons favorite and my second is Chinese (american-ized)
47. My favorite color is green.
48. I do not like to read.
49. Unless it is to my son, which we do every night.
50. My child's smile is the best thing in the world to me.
51. His tears are the saddest.
52. I would love for Extreme Makeover: Home Edition to build me a house.
53. I have more DVDs then anyone should.
54. I love Disney. No I mean I love love love it. It is probably not right.
55. My complete christmas tree is Disney.
56. I have Disney small appliances.
57. As you might already be able to tell, I can not spell.
58. Back to Disney, I am glad I had a child so I have an excuse to go to and then buy all Disney movies.
59. My favorite thing to do is stay in my jammies all day watching movies.
60. I basically had the same hair style forever.
61. I cut it short once.
62. I hated it.
63. I also started putting highlights in it about 4 years ago.
64. I love them.
65. I use to never have more then 4 pair of shoes.
66. I now have more then my closest can handle.
67. I still wear about 4 pairs of them most of the time.
68. I am a worrier.
69. I probably should be on medication for it.
70. I love to host parties.
71. I should do it professionally.
72. I am uncomfortable around a lot of people.
73. I would like to go back to school.
74. I am not sure what I want to go back to school for.
75. I think maybe a nurse.
76. I know I do not want to do what I am doing now.
77. I am a billing specialist at a law firm.
78. I thought lawyers were crooks till I worked with them.
79. I do not like to wear shoes and prefer to be barefoot.
80. I also do not like slippers, unless I am very cold.
81. I would like a breast lift and reduction.
82. Although, I feel my boobs are my best feature.
83. I am a good friend.
84. But can be your worst enemy.
85. I do not forgive and forget easily.
86. I am a push over for those that I love.
87. Some take advantage of this.
88. As a child, my mom cut all my hair off, it was called an Indian cut.
89. Think of how attractive that was.
90. I think that is why I cannot cut my hair short.
91. I have a hard time sitting still.
92. I feel there is always something that can be cleaned.
93. Or baked.
94. I am still bitter about my childhood.
95. My parents were separated for 6 years.
96. They never got divorced.
97. I live with them now.
98. I had a beatiful home.
99. I can not wait to have a home again.
100. I love LISTS!

I would link Mel's blog to this, but as I said I have not idea how.

Trying....

2005-07-19T11:45:00.000-04:00

I am not so good at this blogging stuff yet. I seem to read a lot more then write. I have found so many blogs that I enjoy reading!!

Well, in my attempt to be a better mom, I made my son a blanket this weekend. First of all, I should explain that I have absolutely no talent when it comes to making things. After my son was born I did do a scrapbook for my mother, which actually turned out pretty well, and I have been buying stamps and attemping to make cards and such. So this was my next step. I made the easiest blanket possible, a tie blanket. I bought panels instead of yards of fabric because he wanted Star Wars and Batman - so he has a panel of each so if he has it on one side it is a Star Wars blanket and if on the other a Batman blanket. So I cut and pinned and cut and tied. And all and all it went well. That day we went out with my grandma shopping and my son brought his blanket and she so wisely pointed out to me that tieing just once wasn't going to cut it. And I didn't even think about it, however, by the time we got home it was partically untied and so I started over and tied double knots in each one. Now it is fine. My son loves it and is sleeping with it every night. (If I could figure out how to put pics up, I would post a pic.) He plans to take it to Arizona next week. I have explained to him that a blanket that warm will not be needed, but he insists.

So I soon will have two weeks of freedom. My sister will be here from Arizona on Saturday and then she will take him to Arizona next Wednesday until I go to Arizona on August 12. Two weeks and it can all be about me. My sister is a wonderful human being - I am so thankful and excited to have time alone. And then to have a beautiful week in Arizona with sun and pool side. Although the whole getting into the suit thing is not on the top of my list as fun. This started last year and now she would like to have him again this summer. Her and her husband are trying to have a baby, but it has not worked out yet. So I have no problem with her borrowing mine until she can have her own. Because his dad is not in his life, this is the only time I really get to have alone, besides my 1/2 drive to work and home for work, in which time my road rage usually stressing me out. And you ask what I will do? Sleep - top of my list - because my son does not sleep he tends to get up way before I want to. And it will be nice to have some time alone with my mom also. Mel, get better and off the drugs so we can go drinking while I am child free for two weeks!! The bar exam will be done and drink should be flowing!!!

Can anything go right?

2005-05-25T09:55:00.000-04:00

My day yesterday was like a trainreck. My son has two cavities and I took him to the dentist yesterday to get them filled. When we arrived they did x-rays and found that one was getting bad and was very close to the "pulp" of the tooth. Everything was going good. He was excited about being there and then the dentist came in - and my son seemed to really like the dentist. The dentist gave him sunglasses so the light didn't shine in his eyes, a walkman I am assuming so that he did not hear the drilling, swab in mouth to numb the area. Everything was going great - to my surprise - then the shot came out. Which the doctor very nicely described as a straw with a mosquito at the end that was going to give him a little poke to make his tooth go to sleep. So the dentist told to squeeze his eyes shut and then he started the shot and my son cried and screamed but never moved. The dentist took the shot out and he could just not calm down. He said he didn't want to finish, no more mosquito and no getting the "cavity bugs" out. So we were at a stand still. The dentist tried to convince him the worst was over, but he was having none of that. So it did not get done. The dentist referred me to a pediatric dentist. So I started calling the ones in my area. The next appointment is January 2006! So what to do now? I am quite perplexed on where and what to do next. And he is not in a lot of pain, but some. And no mother likes there children to be in pain, it breaks your heart. So my whole day yesterday was just frustrating. Paying money for my child to not only be scared out of his mind, but also not have the problem fixed. I want to not think about it, however, I need to get it taken care of quickly.

Why couldn't I of been an Heir?

2005-05-04T13:51:00.000-04:00

Somedays being naturally rich looks oh so yummy!! I am tired of working - and that is so unfortunate since I probably have at least 30 more years of this. Life feels so blah as this age - I remember when life was fun - full of surprises - pick up and go! Well with a child it is pretty much , get up, work out, get ready for work, take him to daycare, drive to work, work, drive home, pick him up from daycare, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up from dinner, tv, bed - it seems there sould be more to life, there use to be, didn't there? Every day is the same, I do mix it up sometimes and work out at night instead of in the morning - yup - I am a rebel.
I remember when I would just call into work on a Friday and head up north for the weekend with some friends - no plans - just fun - there are days I want that back so badly. That being my youth I suppose - the whole you have to work to pay bills thing - getting old already!! And insurance - it costs a fortune - and do you need it most days - NO - but ya know what, the first time I dropped it - my son would break something - which by the way, so surprised that hasn't already happened.
Summer is coming quickly and that means a lot of outdoor play and for some reason so many death defying stunts. I did have a pround mom moment lately. He learned to tie his shoes. Which at first just was such a thrill, I was so excited, now - no so much. He takes FOREVER to tie his shoes, and in the morning, in which I am usually walking out the door exactly when I need to if not a minute or two after, and I hear almost mom. I need to work on patience, I use to have that too, gone all gone.

BTW - Mel congrats on getting through law school and especially on the Dean's List (you are such a smarty). So much to come with the bar and the wedding, I hope you enjoy every minute!!

My lovely boy

2005-04-12T15:25:00.000-04:00

Part of the reason I want to do this is to remember some of the stuff my kid is doing, since I am aging and forgetting. He is 4, oh yeah, as he keeps reminding me, he is 4 1/2. He does some of the cutest things, and some of the most aggravating. Much to my dismay he is not a sleeper, I am, and he has to drag me out of bed on the weekends. Last Sunday at 8 am, I still did not want to get out of bed, he came in and said, "For heaven sakes mom, it's time to get up." Yup, from the mouths of babes. He now is at a stage he does not want me to do anything with him, only one of my parents, because, and I quote "you are mean, you yell at me". The thrills of motherhood. I look at my mom daily and tell her I am sorry, knowing that his personality is all from me. Some of the stuff he does, like talking back, and talking constantly, from the time he wakes up until he falls asleep. You would think he would run out of things to talk about, but no, if he doesn't have a real story to tell, he just makes one up, usually about dinosaurs, having babies or killing something. He is also brutally honest, which sometimes, especially in public, sucks!! Especially when someone is, lets say, less the clean.

He is also convinced that Ty and Paul from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition are going to come build us a house. I told him we are needy, but not "extremely" needed. It breaks his heart, which in turn breaks mine. We have lived with my parents since I left my ex, because while I make a decent amount of money, most of it goes to pay his medical insurance and daycare. I have decided to go back to school and get a nursing degree. That will hopefully allow me more quality time with my child and more money so that I can build a house with out the help of ABC.